Nine habits of highly manipulative people

I thought I'd put this one down before I forgot it. I read a recent article on Yahoo about techniques used by manipulative people, but I thought it was far from complete (it only had four), so I thought I'd supplement it with some more based on my own experience. It's a good check-list of whether you are in the presence of a manipulator.

1) Flattery. "You are so great, you are so kind and generous" etc etc. It's amazing how often flattery suffices to get somebody to do what you want them to do. The ego boost is the reward.

2) Emotional blackmail. "If you don't do it, I'll be so sad/disappointed with you/let down" etc etc. With kids (or even adults sometimes) , it can consist of "you don't love me if you don't do it"! Try to get the person to feel like a bad person if they don't do the thing you want. This the flip side of flattery: trying to reduce somebody's self-esteem as a punishment for not doing what you want.

3) Lying or (more commonly) being economical with the truth or massaging the truth. Especially allowing somebody to take a decision without some key facts at their disposal, which you could have told them but which might have led them not to take the decision you want. Leter, when the key facts come to light, and you are challenged as to why you didn't reveal them earlier, you can disingenuously say "oh, I didn't realise it was so important" or "I did tell you, but you must have not been paying attention".

4) Re-writing the past (especially with regard to what was said). For example, "You promised to do it…", when in fact you just said you'd think about it/would do your best. Or "you first put the idea in my mind by mentioning this..." My kids use this one all the time. Often combined with tecnique 2), as in "You promised to do it, and I'm so let down that you are breaking your promise. I'm starting to doubt if you are a trustworthy person." You can't argue about what was said in the past, without taping every conversation (manipulative people are careful only to pick arguments on matters where there is no hard proof, and what was said in the past is a classic example).

5) Playing different people off against each other. Kids do this instinctively with parents. E.g "mummy said I could do this " (said when mummy is not there), or if parent A refuses something, immediately running to parent B to try to get permission, thus provoking an argument between the two parents. If the relationship between the parents is fragile, this can cause real marital difficulties. Of course, this technique is well known in the workplace (a boss giving the same task to to two different people without telling either of them that the other one is working in it, or promising both of them promotion when only one of them can get it).

6) Simply going on and on, asking for about something again and again until they get it by wearing you out. Kids' technique again (but not exclusively).

7) A step by step approach, getting you to take little steps in the direction of what they want, each step taking you in deeper and making it harder to go back. E.g. if they want you to buy a new car, it would be first of all get some brochures, then do some test drives....

8) If ever challenged about the manipulative techniques they are using, they feign shock and outrage ("how could you possibly think of me like that").

9) When the shit really hits the fan, and the whole truth comes out, they either leg it sharpish, or become aggressive and abusive. Often they will shamelessly accuse you of being the manipulative one (and if they are really complex and into mind games, they could even accuse you of "projecting" your own manipulative nature onto them and being in denial about it yourself). When faced with somebody so manipulative and messed up, the only thing to do is leg it yourself.

My kids tend to use all the techniques except 1) 7) and 8) (shame about n° 1, I wish they'd us it a bit more!), while one of my ex-girlfriends used all the techniques except 5) (but there was nobody to play me off against).

As a supplement to this, there are only four techniques for getting somebody to do what you want, for example buy something (like a used car): 1) Brute force or threats thereof, 2) Persuasion (use of totally rational arguments), 3) Manipulation (of which lies or concealing the truth is the most obvious form), 4) Seduction (which in the widest sense means putting somebody in the emotional frame of mind where they want to do the thing you want of their own volition).

For example, in the case of the used car, I hope that technique 1) is rarely used! Technique 2) would involve a lot of stats about fuel economy boot space, price, gizmos etc; technique 3) would involve polishing the car up but not mentioning the dodgy alternator, and technique 4) (often used in TV commercials) would involve going on about how driving this car will enhance your social status and success with the ladies etc (but conscientiously avoiding any verifiable statements, promises or dowright lies).

Now, you may be thinking after all this that I have such a knowledge of manipulative techniques because I myself am a manipulative person. Now I can't prove that that's not the case, and in the end it doesn't matter very much to you, the reader. I hope the list of techniques will come in handy anyway.

Oscar