I thought I'd put this one down before I forgot it. I read a recent article on Yahoo about techniques used by manipulative people, but I thought it was far from complete (it only had four), so I thought I'd supplement it with some more based on my own experience. It's a good check-list of whether you are in the presence of a manipulator.
1) Flattery. "You are so great, you are so kind and generous" etc etc. It's amazing how often flattery suffices to get somebody to do what you want them to do. The ego boost is the reward.
2) Emotional blackmail. "If you don't do it, I'll be so sad/disappointed with you/let down" etc etc. With kids (or even adults sometimes) , it can consist of "you don't love me if you don't do it"! Try to get the person to feel like a bad person if they don't do the thing you want. This the flip side of flattery: trying to reduce somebody's self-esteem as a punishment for not doing what you want.
3) Lying or (more commonly) being economical with the truth or massaging the truth. Especially allowing somebody to take a decision without some key facts at their disposal, which you could have told them but which might have led them not to take the decision you want. Leter, when the key facts come to light, and you are challenged as to why you didn't reveal them earlier, you can disingenuously say "oh, I didn't realise it was so important" or "I did tell you, but you must have not been paying attention".
4) Re-writing the past (especially with regard to what was said). For example, "You promised to do it…", when in fact you just said you'd think about it/would do your best. Or "you first put the idea in my mind by mentioning this..." My kids use this one all the time. Often combined with tecnique 2), as in "You promised to do it, and I'm so let down that you are breaking your promise. I'm starting to doubt if you are a trustworthy person." You can't argue about what was said in the past, without taping every conversation (manipulative people are careful only to pick arguments on matters where there is no hard proof, and what was said in the past is a classic example).
5) Playing different people off against each other. Kids do this instinctively with parents. E.g "mummy said I could do this " (said when mummy is not there), or if parent A refuses something, immediately running to parent B to try to get permission, thus provoking an argument between the two parents. If the relationship between the parents is fragile, this can cause real marital difficulties. Of course, this technique is well known in the workplace (a boss giving the same task to to two different people without telling either of them that the other one is working in it, or promising both of them promotion when only one of them can get it).
6) Simply going on and on, asking for about something again and again until they get it by wearing you out. Kids' technique again (but not exclusively).
7) A step by step approach, getting you to take little steps in the direction of what they want, each step taking you in deeper and making it harder to go back. E.g. if they want you to buy a new car, it would be first of all get some brochures, then do some test drives....
8) If ever challenged about the manipulative techniques they are using, they feign shock and outrage ("how could you possibly think of me like that").
9) When the shit really hits the fan, and the whole truth comes out, they either leg it sharpish, or become aggressive and abusive. Often they will shamelessly accuse you of being the manipulative one (and if they are really complex and into mind games, they could even accuse you of "projecting" your own manipulative nature onto them and being in denial about it yourself). When faced with somebody so manipulative and messed up, the only thing to do is leg it yourself.
My kids tend to use all the techniques except 1) 7) and 8) (shame about n° 1, I wish they'd us it a bit more!), while one of my ex-girlfriends used all the techniques except 5) (but there was nobody to play me off against).
As a supplement to this, there are only four techniques for getting somebody to do what you want, for example buy something (like a used car): 1) Brute force or threats thereof, 2) Persuasion (use of totally rational arguments), 3) Manipulation (of which lies or concealing the truth is the most obvious form), 4) Seduction (which in the widest sense means putting somebody in the emotional frame of mind where they want to do the thing you want of their own volition).
For example, in the case of the used car, I hope that technique 1) is rarely used! Technique 2) would involve a lot of stats about fuel economy boot space, price, gizmos etc; technique 3) would involve polishing the car up but not mentioning the dodgy alternator, and technique 4) (often used in TV commercials) would involve going on about how driving this car will enhance your social status and success with the ladies etc (but conscientiously avoiding any verifiable statements, promises or dowright lies).
Now, you may be thinking after all this that I have such a knowledge of manipulative techniques because I myself am a manipulative person. Now I can't prove that that's not the case, and in the end it doesn't matter very much to you, the reader. I hope the list of techniques will come in handy anyway.
Oscar
Friday 15 January 2010
Thursday 14 January 2010
Marriage - what's it good for?
There is a lot of hand-wringing and soul-searching about high divorce rates in the Western world today, but I think, as a divorced person, that it's not necessarily such a bad thing. In the bad old days, when divorce was difficult, how many couples had to stay together to the bitter end in misery? There are so many tragic novels and plays about unhappy marriages: A Dolls' house, Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary etc etc. The overall level of happiness in society is probably higher with a high divorce rate. If you get out of a bad marriage, you have all kinds of problems, but along with them you have a very very precious thing: hope of finding something better one day.
In my case, I was trapped in an "empty shell" marriage with somebody with whom I had nothing in common. We had not enough in common intellectually to string a decent conversation together (she never read a book in all the years I knew her and only watched appalling soap operas on TV). She was also a very cold person with no interest in physical displays of affection, no cuddles let alone sex (yes, there were two children, but sex was a three or four times a year activity, and it was clear she was doing her duty).
The moment when I decided I had to get out was when I found myself saying to myself "Solitude would be better than this". At least if you are lonely on your own you have some privacy. If you are lonely with someone else around you don't have meaningful company or privacy. Every time I feel lonely now, I remind myself that it's better than what came before.
I suggested counselling, but she refused point-blank, and also refused to take any responsibility for the situation, insisting that I had to change but not her. So there was nothing more to say.
I take full responsibility for marrying somebody unsuitable, and the last thing I want is sympathy (sympathy is for losers).
My attitude to marriage now is that although I would dearly love to find a committed lifelong relationship, the institution of marriage itself has no added value whatever,and actually harms relationships. It takes a couple of hours to get married and two years of courts and lawyers' fees to get out of it. Sure, you can do a pre-nup, but if you feel you have to do a pre-nup before getting married, what's the point of marriage anyway - just to get tax breaks? Marriage is not romantic, it's anti-romantic, because it encourages complacency in a relationship. If either person can easily get out at any time, that makes both people more aware of the need to make a constant effort every day to water and feed the relationship.
If two people feel they need to get married to show their commitment to each other, that's a sign of insecurity in their relationship. My analogy of marriage is two people getting into a cage together, locking the door from the inside, then throwing the key out between the bars, so far away that they can't reach it anymore. How can that be a good sign of commitment?
I understand people getting married once (it's good to be young, idealistic, naïve), but I don't understand second-time-arounders doing it. Once you've been divorced once, you should be inoculated against marriage. Not against romance, not against commitment, but against that particular outmoded institution.
And if anybody says, why do all religions advocate marriage to protect social stability, well, Buddhism doesn't. There is no institution of marriage in Buddhism, which is a very respectable religion. And don't reply that Buddhist contries like Thailand have high rates of prostitution and other anti-social practices, because Western societies do too (I'll come back to prostitution in a later blog).
No, marriage should be abolished, in order to promote social stability and better family life (and to reduce the need for lawyers).
RIP marriage!
Oscar
In my case, I was trapped in an "empty shell" marriage with somebody with whom I had nothing in common. We had not enough in common intellectually to string a decent conversation together (she never read a book in all the years I knew her and only watched appalling soap operas on TV). She was also a very cold person with no interest in physical displays of affection, no cuddles let alone sex (yes, there were two children, but sex was a three or four times a year activity, and it was clear she was doing her duty).
The moment when I decided I had to get out was when I found myself saying to myself "Solitude would be better than this". At least if you are lonely on your own you have some privacy. If you are lonely with someone else around you don't have meaningful company or privacy. Every time I feel lonely now, I remind myself that it's better than what came before.
I suggested counselling, but she refused point-blank, and also refused to take any responsibility for the situation, insisting that I had to change but not her. So there was nothing more to say.
I take full responsibility for marrying somebody unsuitable, and the last thing I want is sympathy (sympathy is for losers).
My attitude to marriage now is that although I would dearly love to find a committed lifelong relationship, the institution of marriage itself has no added value whatever,and actually harms relationships. It takes a couple of hours to get married and two years of courts and lawyers' fees to get out of it. Sure, you can do a pre-nup, but if you feel you have to do a pre-nup before getting married, what's the point of marriage anyway - just to get tax breaks? Marriage is not romantic, it's anti-romantic, because it encourages complacency in a relationship. If either person can easily get out at any time, that makes both people more aware of the need to make a constant effort every day to water and feed the relationship.
If two people feel they need to get married to show their commitment to each other, that's a sign of insecurity in their relationship. My analogy of marriage is two people getting into a cage together, locking the door from the inside, then throwing the key out between the bars, so far away that they can't reach it anymore. How can that be a good sign of commitment?
I understand people getting married once (it's good to be young, idealistic, naïve), but I don't understand second-time-arounders doing it. Once you've been divorced once, you should be inoculated against marriage. Not against romance, not against commitment, but against that particular outmoded institution.
And if anybody says, why do all religions advocate marriage to protect social stability, well, Buddhism doesn't. There is no institution of marriage in Buddhism, which is a very respectable religion. And don't reply that Buddhist contries like Thailand have high rates of prostitution and other anti-social practices, because Western societies do too (I'll come back to prostitution in a later blog).
No, marriage should be abolished, in order to promote social stability and better family life (and to reduce the need for lawyers).
RIP marriage!
Oscar
Why this blog?
OK, so now I'm a blogger, one of millions out there. Why am I bothering? First, because I find writing very cathartic, and I have a lot of issues in my life which I feel the need to be cathartic about (aftermath of divorce, handling expatriation and homesickness, coping with loneliness and depression, trying to handle the sheer exhaustion of being a part-time single parent with a full-time job, being on the dating scene in my mid-40s after years away from it).
Why am I doing it in public, and not a private diary? Just because there might be some people out there in similar situations who stumble upon this blog and find some things in common that we can exchange ideas about. I don't suppose there will be many such people, maybe none at all, but who knows, there may be some. If nobody ever discovers it, then it's no different from a paper diary anyway.
Why am I doing it anonymously? Because I don't see any point in doing a blog if there are taboos or no-go areas.It has to be no-holds-barred, warts and all, including embarassing stuff (for example, I have resorted to using escorts from time to time, and I'll talk about that). I have a responsible job in a big company (I'm not famous or anything), and I don't want any colleague or friend who stumbles on this to recognise me. There are things you can't say to your friends, because you don't want to burden them, but you can say them to strangers instead (paradoxical but true - you can pay a shrink to listen but blog readers are cheaper ;-)
OK, here are the basics about me (reeally basic to avoid recognition). I'm British but I don't live in the UK. I'm divorced, from somebody who is not British, and there are two kids who have dual nationality and are bilingual. The kids are shared with my ex (I have the usual "alternate weekends and half of school holidays" arrangement). I have a good job, but it involves long hours, and exhaustion is a big issue when I'm alone with my kids at the weekend (I don't feel I do them justice). I earn much more than my ex, and I have to pay her humungous maintenance payments, even though it was a no-fault divorce (I'm kind of bitter about this, and trying to change it through the courts, though of course only the lawyers really win).
Since my separation from my ex, two years ago, I've been on the divorcee dating scene (I call it the "secondary market", based on stock market jargon), and it's been exhausting and frustrating, and so far fruitless. Loneliness is a real issue. I'll blog about that too.
Exhaustion, stress, loneliness, frustration, depression: I'll try not to make it too bleak, and introduce some humour here and there. But it is basically a tough life, and I am mainly trying to reach out to others in the same boat.
I have to give myself a name, so I'll call myself Oscar (I'm a big fan of Oscar Wilde, so why not!)
My next blog will be about why marriages fail, and the pros and cons of separation and divorce (something thoughtful, not just cathartic slagging-off of my ex!).
Oscar
Why am I doing it in public, and not a private diary? Just because there might be some people out there in similar situations who stumble upon this blog and find some things in common that we can exchange ideas about. I don't suppose there will be many such people, maybe none at all, but who knows, there may be some. If nobody ever discovers it, then it's no different from a paper diary anyway.
Why am I doing it anonymously? Because I don't see any point in doing a blog if there are taboos or no-go areas.It has to be no-holds-barred, warts and all, including embarassing stuff (for example, I have resorted to using escorts from time to time, and I'll talk about that). I have a responsible job in a big company (I'm not famous or anything), and I don't want any colleague or friend who stumbles on this to recognise me. There are things you can't say to your friends, because you don't want to burden them, but you can say them to strangers instead (paradoxical but true - you can pay a shrink to listen but blog readers are cheaper ;-)
OK, here are the basics about me (reeally basic to avoid recognition). I'm British but I don't live in the UK. I'm divorced, from somebody who is not British, and there are two kids who have dual nationality and are bilingual. The kids are shared with my ex (I have the usual "alternate weekends and half of school holidays" arrangement). I have a good job, but it involves long hours, and exhaustion is a big issue when I'm alone with my kids at the weekend (I don't feel I do them justice). I earn much more than my ex, and I have to pay her humungous maintenance payments, even though it was a no-fault divorce (I'm kind of bitter about this, and trying to change it through the courts, though of course only the lawyers really win).
Since my separation from my ex, two years ago, I've been on the divorcee dating scene (I call it the "secondary market", based on stock market jargon), and it's been exhausting and frustrating, and so far fruitless. Loneliness is a real issue. I'll blog about that too.
Exhaustion, stress, loneliness, frustration, depression: I'll try not to make it too bleak, and introduce some humour here and there. But it is basically a tough life, and I am mainly trying to reach out to others in the same boat.
I have to give myself a name, so I'll call myself Oscar (I'm a big fan of Oscar Wilde, so why not!)
My next blog will be about why marriages fail, and the pros and cons of separation and divorce (something thoughtful, not just cathartic slagging-off of my ex!).
Oscar
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